
Those of you who know me in person or through this blog over
the last 5 1/2 years know that I like to stay busy and active. I still work
part-time at a K-12 school 3 days a week, I volunteer for the Palos Verdes Library
and my Macintosh Users Group. I’m blessed with family living locally and have a
lot of friends so I can be with people when I want to be.
But, this summer I chose to spend a lot of time being
solitary partly out of laziness and partly because I just wanted to see what it
felt like not to be busy all the time. I have spent a lot of time in
contemplation, writing, doing art, reading and watching DVDs largely by myself. My Washington sister's diagnosis of stage 2 lung cancer and my Vegas sister's declining health have also affected me as I want to be ready to be with them if it becomes necessary.
This photo, by the way, is of the path behind my friend Orma's home in Palos Verdes; she made a beautiful painting from the photo.
For the past few weeks I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve
been a little more solitary than is healthy for me, but it’s so easy to be alone. I
have a tendency to adapt to whoever I am with, which in actuality is both a
positive and a negative. I’ve started to be annoyed when I have to drive at
night, too, although my sight is not impaired. Maybe this is all part of the
natural aging process. Some of my sisters became reclusive in their elder years; I don't want to let myself get started on that path.
This past week I decided to step outside my comfort zone and
I signed up for a six week mixed media class on Monday nights at Summer
Studios. I have never had any art instruction before and I am very excited--and fearful. I'm not a "real" artist, I keep telling myself, but I know that's bullshit.
This coming weekend is my 54th class reunion, if
you can believe that. Reunions always stir up my soul and memories. Though I went to school at Verdugo Hills High School in
Tujunga, for the past several years we have met yearly and usually in Lauglin,
NV, one of my most un-favorite spots in the world--but it's cheap and everyone seems to be retired (except me) with time to spare. There are no flights from
L.A. directly to Laughlin for one thing. Instead of bumming a ride this year and having to depend on others,
I’m flying to Vegas on Friday morning, renting a car, and will spend a few days with my ailing sister. On Sunday I’ll
drive the 90 miles to Laughlin and spend Sunday and Monday with my former
classmates. As you probably know, I do not like driving alone in unfamiliar
places, but I don’t want to spend four days at the reunion just so I can get a
ride. Two days seems about right. This whole trip is out of my comfort zone, but in the past 24 years as a
single woman, I’ve felt the fear and done whatever anyway. I WANT to go but Scotty just won't beam me up and make it easy.
Last night as I was preparing for bed, after a movie and art
marathon evening, which I thoroughly enjoyed, I felt uneasy, lonely. Maybe it
was because I watched “Practical Magic” immediately followed by “The Other,”
the latter being pretty scary all in all. When I did my day’s summary in my journal I thought, “I am
tired of being alone so much.” I asked Spirit to show me the way to being alone
less, particularly on weekends.
After church this morning, which I had to drag myself to
somewhat reluctantly just because it’s easier to stay home, Fr. Bob gave a
great sermon on Mark 8:27-38, “Who do people say that I am?” He used the
metaphor of a GPS—in this case a God Positioning System which periodically has
to recalculate when wrong turns or directions are made. I was really thinking
of who people say I am versus who I say I am and how long it takes me to
recalculate sometimes when I realize I’ve made a wrong turn but keep going
anyway . Even at 72, I can’t say with consistency who I am. Partly it’s because
I am still changing.
Usually I don’t go to the coffee after services, but for
some reason I went today and a lot of that had to do with a serious nudging by
Spirit to be more community-oriented. I’ll admit that I have trouble with
intimacy sometimes so group situations (except for work and volunteering) are
sometimes difficult for me. Kevin, who runs the Education for Ministry program in our parish, and I chatted over coffee. I’ve always avoided signing up for this
intense study program which is ultimately a four year program, 36 weeks at a
time. But instead of my usual Inner Critic (IC) ragging on me, I clearly heard
a voice say in my head “When were you the happiest in recent years?” “When I
was studying new things,” was my silent interior reply. The more Kevin spoke, the more jazzed I became. Kevin showed me all the
materials for the program and I spontaneously signed up. I’m not a spontaneous
person by nature. It takes me a long time to commit to anyone or anything, but
when I do, I’m usually loyal as hell.
So—some new things are coming up for me. I think I’ve drawn
these things to me, I’m affirming them even if they make me uncomfortable, and
I feel like my GPS has recalculated and I’m taking a slightly different road
than I’m accustomed to. Hmmm. OK, Spirit. Is there any way you could make me more comfortable with thinking out of my solitary box?
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